How To Argue
What to Do in a Relationship When You Have Your First Argument.
Arguments are an inevitable part of any relationship. No matter how deeply two people care about each other, there will be moments of disagreement, miscommunication, or conflict. The first argument in a relationship is often particularly challenging. It can feel like a jarring wake-up call—an abrupt contrast to the romantic bliss that usually characterizes the early stages of a relationship. However, this first argument can also be a valuable opportunity to learn, grow, and establish a healthier dynamic with your partner. Here's how to navigate your first argument with grace and understanding.
1. Pause and Take a Deep Breath
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to let emotions take over. Anger, frustration, or even fear can cause us to say or do things we might later regret. When you find yourself in the midst of your first argument, one of the most important things you can do is pause. Take a few deep breaths. This simple act can help calm your nervous system and allow you to approach the situation with a clearer mind.
By giving yourself a moment to breathe, you prevent the argument from escalating further. It can be tempting to react instantly, especially if you feel attacked or misunderstood, but a brief pause can often make all the difference in keeping things from spiraling out of control.
2. Listen More Than You Speak
One of the most common mistakes people make during arguments is focusing too much on what they want to say next instead of really listening to their partner. Arguments can turn into battles where both parties are simply waiting for their turn to speak, but this approach rarely leads to resolution. In your first argument, make a conscious effort to listen to your partner.
Active listening involves more than just hearing the words your partner is saying. It means trying to understand the feelings behind those words. Ask yourself, "What is my partner really trying to express?" Even if you disagree with their perspective, acknowledging their feelings can go a long way toward de-escalating the conflict.
Try to respond with empathy. Saying something like, "I hear you, and I understand why you’re upset" doesn’t mean you’re admitting fault, but it does show that you value your partner’s feelings. This can help build a sense of mutual respect even in the midst of disagreement.
3. Avoid Blame and Criticism
When tensions are high, it’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming or criticizing your partner. Sentences that start with “You always…” or “You never…” are usually more harmful than helpful. They put your partner on the defensive and can make the argument feel more like an attack than an opportunity for resolution.
Instead, try using “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try saying, “I feel unheard when you interrupt me.” This subtle shift in language can reduce defensiveness and open the door to a more constructive conversation. “I” statements communicate your feelings without assigning blame, which can help maintain a sense of respect and cooperation during the argument.
4. Stay Focused on the Issue at Hand
During your first argument, it’s important to stay focused on the issue at hand. It can be tempting to bring up past grievances or pile on additional complaints, but this rarely leads to resolution. In fact, it can make the argument feel overwhelming and even more difficult to resolve.
Try to stick to one issue at a time. If you’re arguing about something specific, such as plans that fell through or a misunderstanding about communication, keep the conversation centered on that topic. Bringing up unrelated issues will only muddy the waters and make it harder for both of you to work through the current problem.
If other issues need to be addressed, it’s better to wait until the current argument has been resolved and then discuss them separately. Tackling too many issues at once can make both partners feel overwhelmed and frustrated, leading to an unproductive cycle of conflict.
5. Take Responsibility for Your Part
One of the most important skills to develop in a relationship is the ability to take responsibility for your part in the conflict. No argument is ever entirely one person’s fault, and acknowledging your own role in the disagreement can help diffuse tension and foster understanding.
This doesn’t mean taking the blame for everything, but it does mean being willing to recognize where you might have contributed to the problem. Maybe you raised your voice, said something hurtful, or failed to communicate your needs clearly. Whatever the case may be, owning your actions shows maturity and a willingness to work together toward a solution.
Taking responsibility for your part also sets a positive example for your partner. When both parties are willing to admit their mistakes and work on them, it creates a more open, honest, and supportive relationship.
6. Give Each Other Space if Needed
Sometimes, the best thing you can do during an argument is to take a step back and give each other space. If the argument is becoming too heated or emotional, it might be a good idea to take a break. This doesn’t mean walking away in the middle of the conversation, but rather agreeing to take some time to cool down before continuing the discussion.
Let your partner know that you’re not abandoning the conversation but that you need some time to collect your thoughts. This can prevent things from escalating further and give both of you the chance to reflect on what’s been said. Once you’ve both had a chance to calm down, you can return to the conversation with a clearer perspective and a more constructive mindset.
7. Apologize Sincerely
If, after reflecting on the argument, you realize that you’ve said or done something hurtful, it’s important to apologize sincerely. A genuine apology goes beyond just saying “I’m sorry.” It acknowledges the specific behavior that caused hurt and expresses a commitment to do better in the future.
For example, instead of just saying, “I’m sorry I got mad,” try saying, “I’m sorry I raised my voice. I was feeling frustrated, but I know that wasn’t the right way to express it. I’ll work on staying calm next time.” This type of apology shows that you’re taking the issue seriously and that you’re willing to work on improving your behavior moving forward.
A sincere apology can go a long way in healing the hurt caused by an argument. It shows your partner that you value their feelings and are committed to building a stronger, healthier relationship.
8. Revisit the Issue When Calm
After your first argument has settled and both of you have had time to reflect, it can be helpful to revisit the issue when you’re both calm. This gives you the opportunity to discuss what happened in a more rational and thoughtful way.
During this follow-up conversation, try to focus on what you both learned from the argument and how you can prevent similar conflicts in the future. Ask yourselves, “What can we do differently next time?” This can help you identify patterns or triggers that might lead to arguments and work on addressing them before they escalate.
Revisiting the issue also provides a chance to reaffirm your commitment to each other. After an argument, it’s natural to feel a bit shaken or unsure about the relationship, but taking the time to talk things through can help rebuild trust and reinforce your connection.
9. Forgive and Move Forward
Once you’ve both expressed your feelings, taken responsibility for your actions, and apologized sincerely, it’s important to forgive each other and move forward. Holding onto resentment or grudges can create a toxic atmosphere in the relationship and lead to more arguments down the line.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened, but it does mean letting go of the anger and hurt associated with the argument. It allows both partners to start fresh and continue building a healthy, supportive relationship.
10. Reflect on What You’ve Learned
Your first argument can be a valuable learning experience. After the dust has settled, take some time to reflect on what you’ve learned about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.
Did the argument reveal any communication patterns that need improvement? Were there underlying issues that need to be addressed? How did you and your partner handle the conflict, and what can you do differently next time?
By reflecting on these questions, you can use the experience of your first argument to strengthen your relationship moving forward. Every couple will face challenges, but how you navigate those challenges can make all the difference in the long-term success of your relationship.
The first argument in a relationship can feel daunting, but it doesn’t have to be a negative experience. With patience, empathy, and a willingness to learn from the conflict, you and your partner can emerge from the argument stronger and more connected than before. By focusing on healthy communication, taking responsibility for your actions, and showing compassion for each other’s feelings, you can turn this challenging moment into an opportunity for growth and deeper understanding.